You know how there are those moments in life where you actually get somewhere that you’ve been working towards getting to for a long time? Like that feeling after a long hike when you finally reach the summit and the world is spread out below you, so small and breathtakingly beautiful? That’s how I’m feeling now.
The music video for my new single, Hello in There, dropped yesterday. The project is a fundraiser for The Trevor Project and everything is organized and ready to go. All of the ducks are in a row. Now people just need to watch it and hopefully be inspired to contribute.
I have been working towards releasing this single and video for almost a year and I am so very proud of the end results but I am also a little bit in disbelief that I have actually made it. Every step of this project has been magical for me. I remember the night I wrote this song. I had so much raw emotion inside of me that the song came tumbling out all at once. Often those are the best ones.
I had just learned that the spouse of a dear friend was struggling profoundly with depression and addiction. Having experience with both of those things, what I wanted to do with all of my heart was to speak to them. I desperately wanted to listen to them, be there for them, and share my experience so they would know that they are not alone. I made it abundantly clear, through my friend, that I was available, but I knew I couldn’t force myself into the middle of the situation.
Overwhelmed with emotion and the desire to be able to say the things on my heart, I ended up putting it all into a song instead. Once it was finished, I played it again and again on repeat, just relishing being able to express what I so desperately wanted to say. Hoping that somehow it was getting through.
I knew I wanted to make a video for the song almost immediately, but at first I wasn’t sure how to show depression when it is such an internal experience. Almost on cue, I had a really hard day myself and noticed some of the ways that my internal struggle manifested itself outwardly. Then I was full of ideas. I ended up making storyboards, I recorded the song in a beautiful studio in Santa Cruz, and less than two months after writing the song, we shot the music video in one day in San Francisco.
Shooting was an invigorating experience. There is a special energy around creative projects that is intangible but very palpable - it’s close to electric but even more powerful. It was just the three of us in the tiny apartment most of the day, with my attempt at craft services that I kept moving from place to place when we had to shoot in a different area. I sat back and just did whatever I could to support the filming process.
After shooting in the apartment we drove up to the outlook point and on the way we kept an eye out for places to get some walking shots. When we found a good spot, I’d pull over to let them out, and then I would find a spot or circle around the block while they got some footage. When we got to the lookout point things got a bit stressful. Of course, since we were shooting in one day, time was always going to be a point of concern. One of the key moments we needed for the plot was catching the sunset, which is at a specific time and only happens once each day.
Luckily we were doing great on time and we got to the location early to scout things out and plan. We were also lucky that there were not many people out that day. Just a father and his young daughter playing on the steps for a little while, but they were gone by the time we started shooting. The only thing was, being in San Francisco, there was a lot of fog happening. It was cold and due to the weather conditions we had less time to shoot than we had expected because we were going to lose light fast. Thank God for my talented videographer. He took charge and made sure that we were able to quickly get what we needed.
It turns out we were lucky about the weather too. One of my favorite parts of the video is that final shot in silence, where the camera pans away from the bench, past the trees, and up into the sky. You can see the fog being blown gently but swiftly across the canvass of blue. Every time I see that shot it is a confirmation that sometimes when things don’t work out as planned the result is better than you could’ve imagined.
When I saw the video for the first time it blew me away. Everything was shot so beautifully. It was cinematic and artistic and just beautiful. The acting was honest and raw. It was better than I could have imagined. It moved me to tears. I couldn’t believe that was possible even when I already knew the song and the story of the video backwards and forwards. The fact that it was so moving on its own merit left me feeling very excited and hopeful about the possibilities of sharing it far and wide.
Now we are there. At the precipice of this moment, having just sent it out into the world. It is so exciting and scary. I feel breathless. Like I’m on the summit looking out at a vista. The landscape spreads before me, and everything is so picturesque from far away. The horizon and the sky seem so much bigger than usual.
I am savoring this moment. Taking a deep breath of the clear, cool air. I know I will walk back down the trail and I will return to my regular sized life. But right now, I am going to look as long and as hard as I want to. I am going to take a picture with my mind and pay attention to how this feels in my body and in my heart. I am going to anchor it deeply so that I can hold onto this memory and revisit it whenever I want to.
Of course, I hope that a lot of people see the video. Of course, I hope that we can raise a ton of money for The Trevor Project. Whatever happens with the measurable results of views and donations, I am so proud of myself just for doing this. If you told past-Bekah this is what she would be doing in five years, she would have been so inspired and blown away. She wouldn’t even necessarily believe it was possible. But here I am. And it feels good.