Today is bacon day. I only know because we have this white board calendar at my shared house where we take turns putting down the dates each month and we look up little entertaining holidays like this to put on there.
So last night I got some bacon out of the freezer to thaw and I thought yea, I’ll just cook it all up tomorrow and we’ll all have some bacon. That will be nice. Then this morning I woke up and I had a vision. It was a beautiful vision: a breakfast sandwich with melty cheese and a fried egg and, of course, some bacon to top it all off.
So I got into the kitchen. Put on my awesome mushroom apron from Blue Q that I love. Made myself a little oat milk latte in my mushroom mug that I love. Put on some good music. Then I got to work making breakfast sammys for me and my roommates.
Now is when I will interject for a moment to remind you that I am still in a wheelchair and cooking things is no small feat when you’re in a wheelchair. I have to take certain precautions and think ahead in a way that I took for granted not having to before. I need to be extra careful not to accidentally burn myself when I’m reaching over the stove. I need to be mindful that when the oven is open I can really only be in one spot and can’t move around much. I have to prepare in advance to be able to do things swiftly when needed because I can’t just rush around easily. Everything takes more time and preparation. It’s a lesson in the importance of planning and remembering to take your time. Also, remembering things will be ok even if they’re not perfect.
But you know what? I nailed those breakfast sandwiches and they were good. You know what else? They were all done at the same time and the cheese was perfect and melty and the bread was buttery and crunchy - it was pretty much a miracle as far as I’m concerned. No burns. On me or the food. Some of the pieces of bread in the broiler got pretty toasty but nothing too serious. I sat down to eat my diagonally cut breakfast sandwich with joy in my heart and a deep sense of accomplishment. That probably sounds pretty silly to be proud of making a breakfast sandwich, but it’s true.
It makes me think about life. That sandwich hit the spot. I had the idea. I made it. I ate it. I was satisfied. Maybe sometimes doing something is just about doing that thing for yourself and enjoying it. I’ve been so concerned about how this video and fundraiser are going to turn out. Will we be able to raise any significant amount of money? Will that many people even see the video? But this whole sandwich scenario has me thinking, what if just doing the thing is enough and I can be satisfied with that no matter how it turns out? I would be really happy if I could do that. Also, if I could keep that perspective that this endeavor, like the breakfast sandwich expedition, is a lesson in planning, taking your time, and knowing that everything will be ok even if it’s not perfect.
I’ve also been experiencing some heartbreak as of late and I was pretty deep in the grief of it yesterday. I have been thinking about how when we are miserable and in the midst of great suffering we do these things that usually make us feel happy. So when we have cried as much as we can cry we order the pizza and we watch the show and we eat the chocolate and we drink the wine but none of it actually changes anything about our circumstances and we still feel lousy at the end of it.
So even when my belly is full and I’ve had a few laughs and been distracted for a while I can’t stop feeling kind of sick to my stomach. And it’s not because of the pizza and chocolate. It’s because the reality is that I am still not talking to this person. My heart is still breaking over it. I am still hurting. I wonder if it would have been better to use that time to do work on myself around this situation. To actually look inside and try to heal these broken places. Maybe get another level closer to some kind of resolution, even if it’s just internal.
I don’t know how the breakfast sandwich thing is connected to the heartbreak thing. Maybe it’s something about not knowing what I can do for myself that would hit the spot emotionally. What is the thing that I could do that would leave me feeling filled up and satisfied? Writing often helps me so maybe by the end of this post I will feel some kind of satisfaction. I did play through a medley yesterday of all the songs this person has inspired unknowingly. Which I must say felt really good. Even if I have to let go of this person, that is at least a byproduct that I can stand by. The highs and lows that have tossed me around have left milestones along the way. Signposts that I can turn to and say “yes, I felt this” or “yes, I learned this.”
In fact, I have had an idea of recording some of these songs myself and putting together a little album that documents the roller coaster ride I’ve been on. Maybe starting that process in earnest would give me the sense of satisfaction that I crave. I know just which song would be the first single too. Maybe as I begin that project I can remember to plan, take my time, and keep reminding myself that everything will be ok even if it’s not perfect.
In conclusion. Bacon day, breakfast sandwiches, heartbreak, and recording projects are all connected. You’re welcome for that insight into life’s big secrets. Here’s hoping that recording projects can be as satisfying as eating a fine fine breakfast sandwich. And a Happy Bacon Day to you all, Beautiful People.